I keep finding myself doing things based on other people. No. Specifically Sean. I really loved him. I realize that the problems we had came from me believing that i was not good enough (which is true). I started out hoping he would never find out who i was so that he would never leave me. He has strict rules regarding what is and is not appropriate. About how to act and be. He was very controlling. I saw it in everything. He treated the dog and i the same. A tight leash and nervous as hell. But we shared everything. We had rituals. I miss him terribly. Subconsciously. There are so many things i would just rather do with him than without him. For instance, i went to the store last night to buy toilet paper. Instead of buying the kind i like, which he always hated, i bought his kind. I make these cosmic apologies to him everyday. We ran our relationship right into the ground.
This morning i woke up in a twin bed to the sound of children. I am not great at being in other people's homes or apartments in the first place so i already felt like a giant alien groping my way down hallways in the dark into a bathroom with an unfamiliar light switch location.
I want a job. Sometimes i do this as a test to myself. A few years ago i was going through 6 jobs a year. Moving every 3 months. I have been stable and i felt myself getting too comfortable. I was racking up bills to a point i would never be able to support if i wanted to go back to school. So i destroyed it. I'm sure in a couple weeks i will be back on track. But hopefully these weeks will give me the time to set up my vintage business that i have recently abandoned. It will motivate me to get my shit done to get back to school this year.
I want to find something part time with benefits and then use my time to fucking do something with myself.
Also i should probably decide how i feel about waking up to the sound of children. Probably.
I have found that cruelty has been coming more easily to me as I get older. Maybe cruelty is the wrong word... I mean something less malicious. I don't go into things with cruel intentions, but my exit strategies have been yielding more cruel consequences. I am still in a transition phase, between putting my feelings first and second... And i am finding this is leading to the worst situations of all.