Getting your head fucked with is THE WORST. I was doing well with my break up for a few weeks (it had been a loooong time coming).
Then some stuff came up with a good friend and i quit my job and life was feeling really chaotic. It is easy to want to fall back into a comfortable pattern...
Around that time Sean started texting me long messages that alternated between how much he loves and misses me and how i am a filthy lying whore with no soul.
That fucked my shit up. In the last few days i have come to realize that his issues are separate from me. That i am not causing this, that desperation is NOT the equivalent of love. That our relationship was awful before and it would be again.
That Sean is fucking with my head.
Thankfully, in ny new -found maturity, i am choosing to express my overwhelming rage at the gym rather than at the bar.
Perhaps i will one day be able to add temperance to my virtues. But probably not!
Anyway, i have a new job that i am much happier with. I am establishing new friendships that exist outside the framework of a relationship for the first time. My aforementioned friend issue has come to a head and i think resolved.
I have lost 10 lbs and am working hard to continue losing... Have a training regime in the gym that leaves me sore and satisfied every day.
The business is making good progress. Life is fucking solid right now.

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I am realizing today that i will never get Sean back. It is fucking devastating. Our relationship was shit. We were bad for each other. But we truly were best friends. Two people that love the other more than anything in the world.
So much so that we consumed and.destroyed each other.
I want him back. I know he had a big day today and all i wanted in the entire world was to be able to bring him lunch and have dinner waiting for him when he got home and to listen to him complain and feel him breathing next to me. I wanted to be able to the care of the dog and get whatever groceries he needed. I wanted to be able to kiss his face.
I have never felt like this about anyone before. I didn't deserve him but i had him somehow and i tried my hardest to not be me. To not be this monstrous me who destroys everything she touches. But i was.
I want to go back and be honest.
I would give up 10 years of my life if it meant i could spend all of the rest of them in his arms.

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