I am realizing today that i will never get Sean back. It is fucking devastating. Our relationship was shit. We were bad for each other. But we truly were best friends. Two people that love the other more than anything in the world.
So much so that we consumed and.destroyed each other.
I want him back. I know he had a big day today and all i wanted in the entire world was to be able to bring him lunch and have dinner waiting for him when he got home and to listen to him complain and feel him breathing next to me. I wanted to be able to the care of the dog and get whatever groceries he needed. I wanted to be able to kiss his face.
I have never felt like this about anyone before. I didn't deserve him but i had him somehow and i tried my hardest to not be me. To not be this monstrous me who destroys everything she touches. But i was.
I want to go back and be honest.
I would give up 10 years of my life if it meant i could spend all of the rest of them in his arms.

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