Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I started this blog when I was in a relationship that I had a nagging idea wasn't right. I had this idea that the person I should be with would share my convictions, would have the same passions as I do, would create a partnership for me that was rewarding and fulfilling for both of us.
I wonder if this bar is too high, if one must "settle" eventually. Maybe part of this is the grand notion of romantic love... Maybe I've been brainwashed to think that there is going to be this perfect person to come in and be a part of me and my life.
But I don't think I do believe that. I'm not sure. But, I'm not satisfied now and I seem to find small things to keep me dissatisfied all the time. Like, this person isn't smart enough or political enough or something.
Is that crazy?
I'm a fucking mess. I look around and I just see these remnants of lives I've lived before and nothing really indicating what I am now. Just pieces of things I used to be.
How do you build from that?
The man I'm with now I adore. I love him dearly. We have a lot of fun together and we have great sex.
But I am the kind of person who is very heavy on self examination.
He's a very simple man. I'm not sure that he has an introspective bone in his body. So, everytime I bring up something that I've thought about or some small adjustment I'd like to make in our relationship he sees it as an affront and it becomes an argument. I'm not really sure how to deal with this. We don't have the same vocabulary.
So every time this happens, it adds up for him. Every negative encounter goes into this holding container that he accesses for the next one. Every single thing I bring up gets put in this tank and I feel myself running out of room.
It's creating a panic in me. That this simple man who I love for being easy has this simple solution. Once this tank fills up with my bullshit, he will get rid of me.
And that terrifies me.
So I go over and over everything in my head. Just over and over and over. And I come up with more things that could be tweaked so we could be happier and THOSE things go in the tank and it's just EATING ME ALIVE. I told him a few weeks ago that I really wanted a partner, someone who would just naturally think of me, that we would just be a team. And he adjusted! This miraculous man just BECAME that. And I realized that though I love him, he is just not exactly what I want, in total, and I don't think I'm what he wants either. But we love each other and we get along really well most of the time and we have great sex. And we talked about this last night, in the first really rational conversation we've ever had. And we decided that we've never really built anything, relationship wise. We got together as a hook up and just... kept hooking up. That's all we've ever really been. And since before we were together we were both in long term relationships, we just settled into this weird serious relationship rut, which isn't suited to where we actually are with eachother.
so what is the solution to this problem?
I don't know, and I'm working it over and over in my head. Over and over and over and this problem now is eating me alive. and I know I'm going to need to talk to him about it more, and then THAT's going to go into the tank and THEN WHAT??
Is this terrible? This just seems like the worst relationship ever, right?
But I want to be around him. I want him to love me.
I can't imagine nights without him, his body feels like home to me.
WHEN when do you know when things are just played out?
When you have done everything you could do together?
Or, when are you at a revelatory period, that this is going to inform the rest of our relationship together, that if we can stick this out, the good stuff will come?
I don't know. I DON'T KNOW and I can't stand that.
And that, that is also going in the tank.
I need someone who can just deal with my neurosis, that will just fucking know what to do. and I'm sure I'll resent that person also.
I love mike, he's a wonderful man and I'm not sure I'll ever do better so what can I do to make myself happy with him?
How? How do I let go of everything and just enjoy him?