Looking backwards at abject failure.
Why is that always how I feel when I sit down to write here?
These past six years have been really hard on me, and now I'm hardened. I have a spectacular sense of perspective now, there is nothing left to happen that hasn't anymore.
The very worst thing I could have imagined has happened, and passed. I did survive and I did make the right choice.
There are of course, people in the wake of this.
All my disasters are littered with good people who at one point loved me or thought they did.
New boyfriend, whom I worship. I can see all the points that we don't line up and I cherish them. It's funny because I find myself in this constant back and forth, wanting to want to marry this man, just to prove something. You all did it and I can do it to. But I don't think I do. Want to marry him. Really. I think this is the first relationship that I can appreciate for what it is. I do take him seriously and I can't wait to see what happens between us. I am so excited for all the plans we have. I love him so much, that just holding his hand is pure joy...
I wake up in the middle of the night and look over at him and cannot imagine anything else.
None of the usual revulsion that I find normally accompanies "love."
Gross, this is getting gross. Ok.
I have a lot of joy in my life right now, actually. I HAVE passed through the storm.