Wednesday, March 14, 2007

List A

  • I'm doing this as a list because that makes me feel better
  • which leads me to my next thought, or, first thought
  • I'm thinking about going into therapy. Can I do that? I don't know. my weird control issues and compusliveness/neurotic behavior are starting to really impact me.
  • also, I haven't been eating as much (thank god)
  • also, it is so hard to get out of bed these days!
  • plus, there is this constant humming in my head that sounds just like the buddha box but that I think may be my blood pressure
  • Onyx never looks at me like that anymore
  • forget that, she just did.
  • maybe just needs to go out?
  • sometimes Phill says exactly the wrong thing
  • also, I have a problem where I can get sick of someone, forever, in just an instant
  • there is nothing they can do to change that.
  • I'm making friends.
  • I'm so fake.
  • I can't make friends, not really. I can pretend I'm making friends but I just
  • get so paranoid that they know, that they can see I feel absolutely nothing about them
  • there comes a time when I slip, and forget to smile or laugh or listen
  • or get out of bed and meet them somewhere.
  • and I never call back.
  • Sometimes, I'll talk. And it feels hollow, like, do I even know if what I'm saying is true?
  • I just listen to myself talk, and
  • it's so stupid. I say stupid things.
  • My ambitions are empty because really I don't have any.
  • I am motivated by fear, or anger, or paranoia, or revenge. To prove something, even though no one is ever looking.
  • I'm sure there are people who think I act crazy as a mask,
  • but it's not! it's the part where the mask slips a little.
  • In my head, I am just running down one long hallway,
  • slamming doors.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Not this time.

Putting off going to school until my clothes are dry. is that shallow? I don't know.
It's so nice out today! We have some windows open and Trotsky is just running around the house crying. I can't believe I have class. Ugh.
We split our rooms up again. I can't deal with waiting for the other shoe to drop any more. I want to be happy. So, we'll see how this goes. Hopefully this has been going on for so long that all the anger is winding down and it will not come to a shoot out.
I think the biggest problem is that I always want to know what's going on, what he's doing. I have to stop that. Stop being angry or vengeful now.
Have been hanging out with the Pastabilities people a lot lately. I really like them! I'm surprised to find not mean and at the worst only mildley neurotic girls. I always take up with the craziest ones and then I get run over like a fucking tornado hit me when I wasn't looking. Hopefully these girls are stable enough that that won't happen.
It's nice to have my own sort of place. Alto Cinco is so fucking uncomfortable these days. Everyone has sided with Harrington, because obviously he could not have been the one who was wrong or hurtful. Obviously it was me. People think, I believe, that because I'm not a big emoter, not a lot of visible empathy, that I am capable of monstrosities. Maybe I am. Maybe I do have a black hole for a heart. Maybe I really am just empty. A vortex.
But that is not what happened this time.