List A

• I'm doing this as a list because that makes me feel better
• which leads me to my next thought, or, first thought
• I'm thinking about going into therapy. Can I do that? I don't know. my weird control issues and compusliveness/neurotic behavior are starting to really impact me.
• also, I haven't been eating as much (thank god)
• also, it is so hard to get out of bed these days!
• plus, there is this constant humming in my head that sounds just like the buddha box but that I think may be my blood pressure
• Onyx never looks at me like that anymore
• forget that, she just did.
  
• maybe just needs to go out?
• sometimes Phill says exactly the wrong thing
• also, I have a problem where I can get sick of someone, forever, in just an instant
• there is nothing they can do to change that.
• I'm making friends.
• I'm so fake.
• I can't make friends, not really. I can pretend I'm making friends but I just
• get so paranoid that they know, that they can see I feel absolutely nothing about them
• there comes a time when I slip, and forget to smile or laugh or listen
• or get out of bed and meet them somewhere.
• and I never call back.
• Sometimes, I'll talk. And it feels hollow, like, do I even know if what I'm saying is true?
• I just listen to myself talk, and
  
• it's so stupid. I say stupid things.
• My ambitions are empty because really I don't have any.
• I am motivated by fear, or anger, or paranoia, or revenge. To prove something, even though no one is ever looking.
• I'm sure there are people who think I act crazy as a mask,
• but it's not! it's the part where the mask slips a little.
• In my head, I am just running down one long hallway,
• slamming doors.