the cats are playing pool, a constant clack clacking of all the balls together,

 in that world outside my own now,

outside the door.

Dan Tickner, the muse. My muse, he walked inside my room today while I was laying here I tore the fabric of space time jumping up.

What is it like to drink whiskey with ghosts? The same as it is always, to read lost words of lovers or, to relive past lives every 5 years just in case you've missed something.

and the relentless clack clacking of the pool balls in my ears is enough to drive me mad, and the buzzing of a new love and the snoring of an old love are melding together seamlessly with the fucking

RAGE

that is engulfing me.

I gave my whole life to one man and he threw it away,

like nothing.

I've been chasing this my whole life

and now all I can hope to ask for is

something that's funny or

something that rhymes... 

good byes

I think it may be a sign of age that I no longer see the obvious poetry in torment.

Or maybe, that the torment doesn't last as long anymore. 

That inside this constant disaster I have dug the un-ending trench.

Shielded always from the pounding artillery shells all around me, tufts of dirt or debris raining down the only remaining evidence of the fall.

The relationship I have been nurturing slowly since last summer has dissolved and I think I'm okay with it.

I have lingering doubts and loneliness. I have brief fantasies of vengeance, misplaced of course.

Maybe it is a sign of age that I understand the fault lies with both parties. That we both did this wrong and could not right it.

Love is such a strange fantasy, and one that is very easy to get caught in. It is a vicious beast who will hold you unrelentingly for months or years just to let you go again, out into the wild. 

I wish in some ways I could say I was devastated. In fact, I have said just those words, but with a straight face.

I cried, yes. But I cried more for my own failure than for that of a lost love.

There will be more love. 

That is the only thing you can count on. That your most recent love will not be the last. That the guarantee of "the big love" comes over and over. 

The question is which battles to fight.

This, this would have been a war, and I don't have my fightin' shoes on.

personal-ities

my personal "feelings" blog is quickly catching up with my "poetry" blog in terms of actual entries... that means I've been either having an awful lot of feelings, OR, lack of words.
Either way, here go some feelings put into words in a less than artful manner and paragraph form.

ta-da.

So, it's summer time. Or, at least, it feels like summer time.
I'm missing (I'm always missing, does that mean I'm always without? ) I'm missing other summer nights I've had sitting out with friends on porches for hours and hours. Camaraderie. Since when is a porch not enough?

I was thinking about dedicating this post to talking about other dimensions, both time and space, that I often find myself living in when I should be living in the now. But I think I'm going to just dedicate it to porches.

I have my favorite porch, which I'm mourning deeply tonight for some reason even though it is many years past. I suppose because I'm on a different porch with the same cat today. I miss that porch and the people that filtered through it. I miss watching the sun rise over the rooftops of the houses across the street. I miss that hazy feeling when you've been talking or laughing or dancing with the people you love for so many hours that the next day has already started. Exultation.

Does the fact that those days are over mean that i'm old? or that I've let too much get away from me?

Is the fact that I so worship those simple days even though they were are the very depths of my alcohol and drug problems, even though they were the darkest days - is that so fucking bad?

I feel very far away from myself here, in this sterilized world of accomplishment and scheduling (even though that's not even really my world!). I feel like I belong in the place where the sun rises as well, over beer cans scattered and eyelids drooping and legs asleep. In friends faces.

I guess I just morn the fact that any of those possibilities seem far gone now, that all the options are lost.

Even though we were a mess, we were a fucking beautiful mess.

I started this blog when I was in a relationship that I had a nagging idea wasn't right. I had this idea that the person I should be with would share my convictions, would have the same passions as I do, would create a partnership for me that was rewarding and fulfilling for both of us.
I wonder if this bar is too high, if one must "settle" eventually. Maybe part of this is the grand notion of romantic love... Maybe I've been brainwashed to think that there is going to be this perfect person to come in and be a part of me and my life.
But I don't think I do believe that. I'm not sure. But, I'm not satisfied now and I seem to find small things to keep me dissatisfied all the time. Like, this person isn't smart enough or political enough or something.
Is that crazy?
I'm a fucking mess. I look around and I just see these remnants of lives I've lived before and nothing really indicating what I am now. Just pieces of things I used to be.
How do you build from that?
The man I'm with now I adore. I love him dearly. We have a lot of fun together and we have great sex.
But I am the kind of person who is very heavy on self examination.
He's a very simple man. I'm not sure that he has an introspective bone in his body. So, everytime I bring up something that I've thought about or some small adjustment I'd like to make in our relationship he sees it as an affront and it becomes an argument. I'm not really sure how to deal with this. We don't have the same vocabulary.
So every time this happens, it adds up for him. Every negative encounter goes into this holding container that he accesses for the next one. Every single thing I bring up gets put in this tank and I feel myself running out of room.
It's creating a panic in me. That this simple man who I love for being easy has this simple solution. Once this tank fills up with my bullshit, he will get rid of me.
And that terrifies me.
So I go over and over everything in my head. Just over and over and over. And I come up with more things that could be tweaked so we could be happier and THOSE things go in the tank and it's just EATING ME ALIVE. I told him a few weeks ago that I really wanted a partner, someone who would just naturally think of me, that we would just be a team. And he adjusted! This miraculous man just BECAME that. And I realized that though I love him, he is just not exactly what I want, in total, and I don't think I'm what he wants either. But we love each other and we get along really well most of the time and we have great sex. And we talked about this last night, in the first really rational conversation we've ever had. And we decided that we've never really built anything, relationship wise. We got together as a hook up and just... kept hooking up. That's all we've ever really been. And since before we were together we were both in long term relationships, we just settled into this weird serious relationship rut, which isn't suited to where we actually are with eachother.
so what is the solution to this problem?
I don't know, and I'm working it over and over in my head. Over and over and over and this problem now is eating me alive. and I know I'm going to need to talk to him about it more, and then THAT's going to go into the tank and THEN WHAT??
Is this terrible? This just seems like the worst relationship ever, right?
But I want to be around him. I want him to love me.
I can't imagine nights without him, his body feels like home to me.
WHEN when do you know when things are just played out?
When you have done everything you could do together?
Or, when are you at a revelatory period, that this is going to inform the rest of our relationship together, that if we can stick this out, the good stuff will come?
I don't know. I DON'T KNOW and I can't stand that.
And that, that is also going in the tank.
Fuck.
I need someone who can just deal with my neurosis, that will just fucking know what to do. and I'm sure I'll resent that person also.
I love mike, he's a wonderful man and I'm not sure I'll ever do better so what can I do to make myself happy with him?
How? How do I let go of everything and just enjoy him?