fucked.

I have snared the unicorn, finally and am overwhelmed by it's delicate beauty. Am I truly the one to soil this great beast? Has the rainbow shattered and fallen down in glinting pieces around me, my eyes too intent on the gleaming white coat to see them land?
I have always brought desctruction down upon my prey but I am hesitant this time. I am getting tired and feel older than ever, wearing grey hairs and battle scars like tick marks marking time's lonely passage. I am trudging slowly through this knee deep sludge of expectation and exceptions, waiting ever patiently for the end to finally come down in sweet relief.
But it never comes, it is always just bad enough but never the worst.
I have lived on like this for years, and I'm wondering now if I should sacrifice his purity to create a fresh start for myself. Should I give nothing up? Should I continue letting it all leak out in charming anecdotes, funny quips about ugly things, hints at the cool churning reality underneath?
The combination of your personaliy, you crazy fucked up girl, and his calm innocence may be the best combination I could have ever asked for. You two, in stark dichotomy, may save me. Or at least, I will have something interesting to write about up to the very end.

Dear Meagan Sample:

Meagan, I suppose I owe you some things, as I owe many people. But for some reason, you have captured me.
Meagan, you are crazy. You are hot mess smeared make up, racial slur screaming crazy.
I want you to move in so I can take care of you.
I love your kisses, I love kissing you. I love laying next to your spectacular body in bed and waking up to your adoration in the morning.
Cigarettes, grey t-shirts.
I want to dote on you.
This is going to be a list of reason I have disappointed you, and probably will forever.
1) Meagan, I also am a hot mess. For the last six years I have stumbled in and out of sobriety, back rooms of bars, fist fights, fire storms and unrequitted love. Homelessness, desperation, being utterly alone.
2) I am boy crazy.I fall singularly in love with one woman, who I carry in my heart. But through out this time, I chase boys, putting all my emotions into them. I believe you are the answer and I'm still running from the question.
3) Meagan, I have told you about Keith. You led me to heart break. I suspect you have slept with him, and I can not and will not ever forgive you for that. I'm sure he doesn't give a shit about you, and I'm sure you feel the same way about him, but that is a shot at my foundation and no matter how shitty I may have been to you, I did not deserve that.

You are selfish, difficult to handle, and vaguely insincere. You are often embarrassing to have around. My friends said, "she would have been cool if she hadn't been trying to impress you so hard."

You are beautiful and passionate.
I have a difficult time sorting through all these emotions for you, and that is why I have been so slow to respond to you.
I promise I will pull through this and we can be together or not.