List A

• I'm doing this as a list because that makes me feel better
• which leads me to my next thought, or, first thought
• I'm thinking about going into therapy. Can I do that? I don't know. my weird control issues and compusliveness/neurotic behavior are starting to really impact me.
• also, I haven't been eating as much (thank god)
• also, it is so hard to get out of bed these days!
• plus, there is this constant humming in my head that sounds just like the buddha box but that I think may be my blood pressure
• Onyx never looks at me like that anymore
• forget that, she just did.
  
• maybe just needs to go out?
• sometimes Phill says exactly the wrong thing
• also, I have a problem where I can get sick of someone, forever, in just an instant
• there is nothing they can do to change that.
• I'm making friends.
• I'm so fake.
• I can't make friends, not really. I can pretend I'm making friends but I just
• get so paranoid that they know, that they can see I feel absolutely nothing about them
• there comes a time when I slip, and forget to smile or laugh or listen
• or get out of bed and meet them somewhere.
• and I never call back.
• Sometimes, I'll talk. And it feels hollow, like, do I even know if what I'm saying is true?
• I just listen to myself talk, and
  
• it's so stupid. I say stupid things.
• My ambitions are empty because really I don't have any.
• I am motivated by fear, or anger, or paranoia, or revenge. To prove something, even though no one is ever looking.
• I'm sure there are people who think I act crazy as a mask,
• but it's not! it's the part where the mask slips a little.
• In my head, I am just running down one long hallway,
• slamming doors.
  

Not this time.

Putting off going to school until my clothes are dry. is that shallow? I don't know.
It's so nice out today! We have some windows open and Trotsky is just running around the house crying. I can't believe I have class. Ugh.
We split our rooms up again. I can't deal with waiting for the other shoe to drop any more. I want to be happy. So, we'll see how this goes. Hopefully this has been going on for so long that all the anger is winding down and it will not come to a shoot out.
I think the biggest problem is that I always want to know what's going on, what he's doing. I have to stop that. Stop being angry or vengeful now.
Have been hanging out with the Pastabilities people a lot lately. I really like them! I'm surprised to find not mean and at the worst only mildley neurotic girls. I always take up with the craziest ones and then I get run over like a fucking tornado hit me when I wasn't looking. Hopefully these girls are stable enough that that won't happen.
It's nice to have my own sort of place. Alto Cinco is so fucking uncomfortable these days. Everyone has sided with Harrington, because obviously he could not have been the one who was wrong or hurtful. Obviously it was me. People think, I believe, that because I'm not a big emoter, not a lot of visible empathy, that I am capable of monstrosities. Maybe I am. Maybe I do have a black hole for a heart. Maybe I really am just empty. A vortex.
But that is not what happened this time.

It's my party...

So, I had the worst birthday, ever.
The night of the 27th, I hung out with a bunch of my friends, which was really nice. All good dudes, would not have had it any other way. I was really stressed out and my ears were bothering me, so I was kind of just grumpy but it was so nice to have them around. Went back to Scott and Koala's house and we spent some good quality time.
For my birthday, John came over and dropped off some sweet presents (a pair of plugs, Porno by Irving Welsh, and a new long sleeve Scarab t-shirt) and I got to see him for a bit. That was nice! Then I went out to dinner with my family. We went to appeThaizing, which was exciting. I couldn't get anything really spicy because my mouth is acting up, but here's what we had:

Calamazing: some pretty good calamari, with a sort of tempura-textured batter (it was little heavy to be tempura, I'm not sure what it was). It was pretty good but a little cold. Served with a chili sauce (heavier than the other sauces)


These were called appethaizing rolls. I wish I had gotten a good description from the menu, but they were basically really good spring rolls with pork. These were the highlight of the meal. Nice light chili sauce on the side.

I had Pad Pak with beef for my entree. It was slated to come with a brown sauce, which I thought would be thicker but was basically water. Not a lot of flavor. The beef was also uninteresting, I think it was essentially boiled in the watery sauce (the whole thing felt boiled, not sauteed - too much water in the wok??). Also, I can not really respect any dish that comes with peas. Peas are the cheap filler of the 50's, and I hate it when people use them in dishes like this. Also, there were these weird grilled grape tomato halves, which could've added a nice acid but didn't. The bok choy was definitely the highlight of the dish (but I have such a soft spot for bok choy). The straw mushrooms tasted canned.

After dinner, we went to a lecture by Wade Davis, which was fascinating. It would have been way better if my jerk of a brother was not sitting next to me letting out heaving sighs and asking loudly when we could leave.
Fuck, have some respect.


I got a bunch of books, including two books that I got from the lecture.... Also, I received the necklace my mom and I designed to put the Hawaiian pearls in. Now, my mom, my grandmother and I all have necklaces from pearls we got in Hawaii. There's not a lot of stuff like that in my family, so that was nice.

When I got home, my car was missing. It had been towed. I have to go spend my birthday money getting it out of impound in an hour. Hooray.

Okay, I feel better.

Thanks, YouTube, for representing both sides of awesome.