personal-ities

my personal "feelings" blog is quickly catching up with my "poetry" blog in terms of actual entries... that means I've been either having an awful lot of feelings, OR, lack of words.
Either way, here go some feelings put into words in a less than artful manner and paragraph form.

ta-da.

So, it's summer time. Or, at least, it feels like summer time.
I'm missing (I'm always missing, does that mean I'm always without? ) I'm missing other summer nights I've had sitting out with friends on porches for hours and hours. Camaraderie. Since when is a porch not enough?

I was thinking about dedicating this post to talking about other dimensions, both time and space, that I often find myself living in when I should be living in the now. But I think I'm going to just dedicate it to porches.

I have my favorite porch, which I'm mourning deeply tonight for some reason even though it is many years past. I suppose because I'm on a different porch with the same cat today. I miss that porch and the people that filtered through it. I miss watching the sun rise over the rooftops of the houses across the street. I miss that hazy feeling when you've been talking or laughing or dancing with the people you love for so many hours that the next day has already started. Exultation.

Does the fact that those days are over mean that i'm old? or that I've let too much get away from me?

Is the fact that I so worship those simple days even though they were are the very depths of my alcohol and drug problems, even though they were the darkest days - is that so fucking bad?

I feel very far away from myself here, in this sterilized world of accomplishment and scheduling (even though that's not even really my world!). I feel like I belong in the place where the sun rises as well, over beer cans scattered and eyelids drooping and legs asleep. In friends faces.

I guess I just morn the fact that any of those possibilities seem far gone now, that all the options are lost.

Even though we were a mess, we were a fucking beautiful mess.

I started this blog when I was in a relationship that I had a nagging idea wasn't right. I had this idea that the person I should be with would share my convictions, would have the same passions as I do, would create a partnership for me that was rewarding and fulfilling for both of us.
I wonder if this bar is too high, if one must "settle" eventually. Maybe part of this is the grand notion of romantic love... Maybe I've been brainwashed to think that there is going to be this perfect person to come in and be a part of me and my life.
But I don't think I do believe that. I'm not sure. But, I'm not satisfied now and I seem to find small things to keep me dissatisfied all the time. Like, this person isn't smart enough or political enough or something.
Is that crazy?
I'm a fucking mess. I look around and I just see these remnants of lives I've lived before and nothing really indicating what I am now. Just pieces of things I used to be.
How do you build from that?
The man I'm with now I adore. I love him dearly. We have a lot of fun together and we have great sex.
But I am the kind of person who is very heavy on self examination.
He's a very simple man. I'm not sure that he has an introspective bone in his body. So, everytime I bring up something that I've thought about or some small adjustment I'd like to make in our relationship he sees it as an affront and it becomes an argument. I'm not really sure how to deal with this. We don't have the same vocabulary.
So every time this happens, it adds up for him. Every negative encounter goes into this holding container that he accesses for the next one. Every single thing I bring up gets put in this tank and I feel myself running out of room.
It's creating a panic in me. That this simple man who I love for being easy has this simple solution. Once this tank fills up with my bullshit, he will get rid of me.
And that terrifies me.
So I go over and over everything in my head. Just over and over and over. And I come up with more things that could be tweaked so we could be happier and THOSE things go in the tank and it's just EATING ME ALIVE. I told him a few weeks ago that I really wanted a partner, someone who would just naturally think of me, that we would just be a team. And he adjusted! This miraculous man just BECAME that. And I realized that though I love him, he is just not exactly what I want, in total, and I don't think I'm what he wants either. But we love each other and we get along really well most of the time and we have great sex. And we talked about this last night, in the first really rational conversation we've ever had. And we decided that we've never really built anything, relationship wise. We got together as a hook up and just... kept hooking up. That's all we've ever really been. And since before we were together we were both in long term relationships, we just settled into this weird serious relationship rut, which isn't suited to where we actually are with eachother.
so what is the solution to this problem?
I don't know, and I'm working it over and over in my head. Over and over and over and this problem now is eating me alive. and I know I'm going to need to talk to him about it more, and then THAT's going to go into the tank and THEN WHAT??
Is this terrible? This just seems like the worst relationship ever, right?
But I want to be around him. I want him to love me.
I can't imagine nights without him, his body feels like home to me.
WHEN when do you know when things are just played out?
When you have done everything you could do together?
Or, when are you at a revelatory period, that this is going to inform the rest of our relationship together, that if we can stick this out, the good stuff will come?
I don't know. I DON'T KNOW and I can't stand that.
And that, that is also going in the tank.
Fuck.
I need someone who can just deal with my neurosis, that will just fucking know what to do. and I'm sure I'll resent that person also.
I love mike, he's a wonderful man and I'm not sure I'll ever do better so what can I do to make myself happy with him?
How? How do I let go of everything and just enjoy him?

musings

I'm looking for a new apartment again. I don't think I can handle living in my current place anymore.
I'm cruising through craigslist looking for new places and realizing how little interest I have in weird roommate situations and room sharing and splitting utilities and all that nonsense.
I'm ready to GROW UP.
Be in a place of my own, or with my partner.
But no roommates. No bullshit.

nightmares

I have sets of recurring nightmares, places that I keep coming back to even though the people change, or weird in between states that are like sleep but aren't sleep.
Sometimes my dreams take place around me while I'm laying in bed. Like I'm a detective but my bed is in the precinct and I conduct all of my business from it. Things like that.
My roommate is the single most social person I have ever met in my life. She can not go an hour sitting by herself being quiet. I'm the complete opposite of that. She calls me a "loner." I have gone out with her a few times but it is always a strange situation. She creates drama for herself and I don't have the stomach for that kind of thing. She likes to create drama around me as well. For instance, she is trying to make me into a "lesbian." I am dating a man and it seems like that offends her. I love my boyfriend more than I ever knew possible and we have an amazing partnership together.
Today he is out of town, and I had planned on meeting some friends at the local gay watering hole to grab drinks and hang out. She keeps trying to get me to pick up girls with her. She said tonight I could be a lesbian. I was like, look tonight just like all other night's I'm Mike's girlfriend. She keeps insisting that I come out and pick up chicks and it leaves me a foul taste in my mouth.
So, I declined to go with her.
She was upset, I guess. I don't really care, I should be able to make my own decisions. We're not very close friends. Whenever she gets drunk she always says "I don't even know you."
So I just lay in bed watching The L Word and hung out with the cats. Ironically a much more "les" thing to do!
To tie this all back to the dream (pardon my rambling - I hardly ever blog any more and I don't have a good structure that I'm used to), I'm laying in my bed right now listening through uninsulated walls to a party going on outside my room.
There is music and pot smoke and loud nonsensical conversations pouring in through the two inch gap under my door.
She talks about me, when she's drunk.
It's like I'm just sitting out there in the middle of the party, under my covers in bed.
I am living my own nightmare.