Thurs Dec 20th 2007

oh, just go away.

Here it is the truth.
No one picked me up but me.
No one fixes you if you say no. No one fixes you if you say yes.
It just happens you just have to make it happen.
I'm finding that i really don't know anything, that I have to go back and re-read all the books. That I remember everything but it's so jumbled. There are big holes. Sometimes I say things and they are just wrong. But I can't tell because for years I've just been taking this stuff in and just shoving it in there, like, thinking that that was going to be okay. Like I would remember your name AND your face, together at the same time. It's like I have Alzheimers now. Like, sometimes it's just blackness and sometimes it's still 1941. Sometimes my sentences have all the correct words but none of the correct syntax.
Dear Miss D, I'm wondering if you have found the same thing.
People say when you stop, you go directly back to where you started. Which i guess is true, but I was never there. I was a child, and I have all the experience now. I say, "when I was doing xxx" and people look at me like, how old are you really? Have I aged? I look the same. Less sallow. Plumped up. Not so grey, less smeared make up. Doesn't cry violently but it seeps out now. Like, I'm leaking. Miss D do you find it all leaks out?
I take dayquill and it hurts. I eat too much sugar and it hurts. I get the shakes, the fear.
Like, if I go back I'll die for sure.
It's an erasing time. It's reckoning.
This next year will be all apologies. Like, everything I can do now is an apology. Like, they will follow me around forever.
So, I'm sorry.
These are my own twelve steps, with 10 removed.
1)There is a problem. It is mine and not yours.
2)I'm very sorry.
1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,2,2,2,2

Dear John Joyce:

Yeah! Today I got the lip piercing I've been going back and forth about for a while now. I will post a picture as soon as I have one.
Anyway, it was easy and feels great now. I'm sure it will start bothering me eventually, but it's been almost three hours and not a lot is happening.
I always get so nervous about piercings, I don't know why. I started getting nervous today, and John was like, "hey, remember that thing we did on your arm? Or how about your nostril piercings." And I'm like, yeah okay. But I'm still scared of needles. But, it felt good as always and having some metal in my mouth for the first time is awesome.
Also, gave myself my fun summer hair cut today. It looks good. needs a bit of retouching. It's so cute, though, so I'm still struggling with whether or not I should bleach any of it.
Went to the mall to visit CMC today... briefly.
This is such a strange and awkward situation that I'm getting myself into and I'm right now trying to decide if I'm still involved because I like him, or because I like to figure stuff out and that that is more interesting than the actual person/relationship.
Here's the optimal man/lady: (paraphrased from a conversation with P.Hill)
Must like animals, children, and the idea of getting married...
Must be ideologically in line with me, because I find arguing about moral or theoretical standpoints boring. However, I do enjoying talking about issues in an agreeable way.
Would optimally be passionate about body modification, at the very least have and love tattoos.
Enjoy, and not be ashamed by my "disabilities"
Not ascribe to the typical ideas about success or achievement.
If it is a man, would be open and willing to grow a beard. Also, interesting facial hair arrangements, on my whims.
Must love food and cook well.
Is interested in moving to the country, going off the grid, raising our children as wood nymphs, and "owning" an organic farm.
Never raises the "mac vs. PC" argument, because clearly recognizes the superiority of macs. Also, Volkswagens.
Ok. I looked up the ACTUAL chat P.Hill and I had (cause I'm that much of a nerd... that's right, they're logged. Think about that)
so, I quote:
P.Hill: what are you looking for exactly?
Me: um, someone with good teeth, eyes that are not too close together, willingness to grow a beard but also to trim it. I would prefer that he had a child over one, but no baby mama drama.
can cook, may have the whimsical idea that he wants to move into the country and start an organic farm.
can in now way have any conservative tendencies at all
including any silly ideas about monogamy
must never say anything cliche.


I'm glad I'm not on a bus, singing anything.

I am hungry.

Love you.

Happy Cinco de Mayo

Staying with Brenna and Danielle is still awesome. Last night there was a super sweet awesome Merit show, where they played the entire Blue album. I sang the whole CD also. It was Hans' birthday and he showed up.
I have to stop being a nerd.
Look at how cute this little mouse is.