I am finally able to see how destructive my relationship with sean was for me. At a time where i was beginning to be able to accept myself he sort of swept me up in this sort of shame net. I mean, i allowed this to happen.
I allowed him to mute me, to pretend that many of the things that define me werent there because he was threatened by them.
Mike mentioned this when i saw him. He said i seemed really different. Like, much quieter. Like,only part of myself.
And i thought, you know, this guy is an idiot. He just wants party liz back.
But he just wanted ME back. He wanted all my parts. My loud and crazy and impulsive parts in additon to my quiet domestic parts. Even though all of my parts have hurt him incredibly, he wanted them all.
Sean never saw that in me. He saw the potential for out-of-controlness. Which is definitely there. That is part of me. I dont need the itenerary or road map. I will get there somehow. But if i dont, then i dont! I have a sense of adventure that sean saw as recklessness. And it manifests that way sometimes. But i have so much fun!
In the last year or so i have been working in korean restuarants where the native English speakers are scarce. I find myself speaking a weird mix of Spanish, Korean and pigeon English. My landlord barely.speaks English as well. Sean one time expressed that my desire to be in these situations was an expression of some personality disorder. I mentioned this to my mom on thanksgiving and she was utterly taken aback.
She said i did it because it was stimulating. That it was interesting and challenging. I traveled all over Europe. I lived in foreign countries. I have experienced extraordinary things, simply by stepping outside.of my comfort zone. She said that that was just the way i am. That i was too smart to be boring.
Yes, i am unpredictable. I am not a safe bet. But i am beginning to realize that those are some of my best traits.
I am going to continue getting into things over my head because I CAN FUCKING SWIM.
A lot of this is coming from a new body confidence i am finding. I am getting strong and lean and defined. I have MUSCLES. I used to really mistrust my body. But now i know that i can push and push and it will push back. I know that my hard work is paying off and that i look good for it. Not rail thin. But strong. I have definition in my arms and back. My legs are fucking works of art. My body is a machine. As i am typing this every bit of me aches. But not that sharp tearing ache. The deeper ache. The one that screams DO THAT AGAIN. I HAVE MORE IN ME.
I am back. And for every guy that said to me "we don't have anything in common" but meant "you scare the living hell out of me," your loss dudes.
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